severus t. snape

[severus snape]

[/color][/font] , seventeen , slytherin[/ul]
I am the life of the party. Everyone flocks around me, and I am currently dating Lily Evans. We’re planning to get married as soon as we graduate, actually.

No. No. No. I have to remind myself every day that I’m lying to myself. Fuck, I don’t even care about being liked by others. I just want to be liked by her. I’ve ruined it all though, haven’t I? I called her a mudblood, and to her face. I mean, I know that’s what she is, but… for some reason, it doesn’t matter when it comes to her. I know that’s ridiculous. Of course it matters. My father is a mudblood, and look at what he’s like. He’s an abusive bastard who doesn’t seem capable of saying, or rather, yelling without swearing. He’s also an idiot. Who knows how I managed to acquire some form of intelligence. Probably because I spent most of my childhood reading in my room with the door locked. If only the unforgiveable curses were legal…

The Dark Arts are beautiful. Any person who is afraid of them has every right to be. Although I believe that instead of being terrified, they should use that fear to experiment, and let their curiosity lead to them to a place they couldn’t have imagined existed. They’ve drawn me in for as long as I can remember. I read about them before I came to Hogwarts, but my access to magical books was limited thanks to my mother’s fear of my father. She refused to take me to Diagon Alley or Knockturn Alley. When I was ten, I would sneak out of the house, but if I was caught, the punishment wasn’t something I looked forward to. My dad may be a fool, but he’s always been strong. Worse, if he could prove that I actually had anything magical in my room, the punishment would be more severe. I often don’t know how that was possible, but… he managed it. My books would always have to be hidden away in places he would never guess. Despite being able to leave the house if I was careful, I didn’t really have any money. I remember once stealing from my dad, but I never did it again. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize what had happened. The consequences were just too unbearable to make it worth it, even if I was addicted to anything magical I could find.

So, as mentioned, I had limited access to what I craved the most—books. But I would often go to both Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley, my eyes at least skimming any book I could get my hands on. I was frequently kicked out of shops for loitering, but even a sentence would make me happy. At night I dreamed of growing up in a rich, pureblood family, where I could read every book in the world, but I knew this wouldn’t be accomplished just by dreaming. I was excited to go to Hogwarts. I knew it wasn’t a school for the Dark Arts, but if placed in Slytherin, perhaps I could satisfy my thirst for knowledge thanks to the help of my peers.

I never realized that appearance really was something others could judge so harshly. I mean, I thought that both of my parents were ugly as fuck, but that just made sense. Why would a good looking person want to marry an ugly one? Then again, marriage was confusing to me. I didn’t see how anyone could ever want to make that mistake. As if there was a person out there who could understand me, who could make my stomach erupt with butterflies… Not caring about my appearance just happened, really. I washed my face sometimes, and showered enough honestly, but my hair was just too greasy. I couldn’t really help it. I once considered shaving my head (seriously!), but then I realized I enjoyed hiding behind my hair too much. Really, I figured people would like me for my intelligence, and because I was pureblood. Or pretending to be, anyway. Who would find out? I wasn’t about to invite anyone home over school breaks.

But Hogwarts, Hogwarts made me understand how cruel people can be. Do not let anyone ever tell you that human beings are good. They are purely evil. There might be a few decent ones, but as if a couple could make up for the rest. They make you feel like shit, they insult you until you know that you’re no better than them. Ever since I’ve been small, I’ve been able to comprehend why another person would want to commit murder. Maybe I’m not supposed to admit that, but who the fuck cares? I would have most certainly done something terrible to my father if I had the strength. But I acquired my mother’s lankiness, and as he showed me many times, I was no match for him. Hogwarts planted this thought even more firmly in my head. There’s no point to life, except to read and become more intelligent than the people around you. Yes, I sound like a snob, but there’s really no reason for me to try and make myself likeable now.

Did you know that Hogwarts was supposed to be my escape? I was going to be someone amazing there. I would have so many friends that home would hardly hurt me. I would excel in all my classes (I guess I at least accomplished that) and everyone would admire me for that. I didn’t want love. Funny how that’s what happened. Well, no one loved me, but I… I know I love her. Maybe my fellow teenagers have trouble figuring out whether they’re actually in love because they’re to willing to snog anyone who offers, but I’m not like that. I never wanted to feel this way. I wanted to be cold and emotionless, but she wrapped her fire around me. Have you ever seen hair as magnificent as hers? I think not. And I swear, you never will. It will give you chills, and you’ll think about it late at night when you’re trying to get all of your essays done.

I wish she wasn’t so beautiful. Maybe then I would have a chance. Well, no. I wouldn’t even then, especially now that she won’t talk to me. But at least… she wouldn’t have so many guys who like her. And Merlin, James Potter would be off seducing other girls, or whatever. Girls I don’t care about. The kind of ones whose lips you want to fall off because of how they can’t shut up. I’m never going to hit a girl. I’m not my father, but you know, they do make you want to. I don’t sleep much at night and that gives me a lot of time to think, unfortunately. What if I become like him? I doubt I’ll ever be in a relationship, but I want to be numb, not enraged all the time. Plus, if I ever got Lily and I physically hurt her… or even emotionally… how could I forgive myself? I never considered myself the type to ever use a love potion. And I haven’t. But God, looking at her, it’s like… maybe it would be worth it. I suppose it wouldn’t last that long, but it would be something. I could know how it feels for once.

Then again, that could be a horrible idea. If she found out, yes, and then I would really know what I was missing. I’d probably crave it more.

I miss the days when I had Lily to myself. Sort of, I suppose. Stupid Petunia was around, too. What a fool. She wanted to be a witch so badly and she took it out on Lily. My poor, sweet Lily. She didn’t deserve that. I often wished Petunia would go off and completely disappear, but sadly, that wasn’t the case. Stumbling upon Lily at first seemed like a gift. Besides books, she was the only thing in the world that let me be myself. I couldn’t tell her the complete truth, though. If I let it leak out, if I let her know what my family was like… perhaps we would stop talking. I know now that maybe this isn’t the truth, but I refuse to ever tell her. She doesn’t need to pity me. That would be beyond terrible. It would be even worse if she started talking to me again because she felt sorry for me. I really would feel like crying, then. Interestingly enough, I don’t cry when I feel I need to the most. It’s like, because my emotions are so overpowering, I can’t let them go. I can cry over the little things, like being ugly. Well, maybe that does really hurt because it certainly doesn’t help me get Lily to like me, but it’s not as heartbreaking as her, or my family.

I would do anything to not care. There is so much appeal to being a robot. Nothing would bother me. I would just work and work, seeing as I am a workaholic. I would get extraordinary marks in all my classes, and do something amazing in my life. If someone shot an insult at me, I would just hex them and move on. Or maybe not even hex them, because it wouldn’t matter. But I’m still human. I hate it. It’s so… imperfect. I am just so fucking wrong, you know? I never feel comfortable in my skin. There’s too much to pick on, to loathe. I hate mirrors because they just remind me of all of that, despite how cliché that sounds. If I was perhaps a lion or an animal similar to that, that would be best. My main focus would be hunting. I suppose that as of right now, it might be somewhat the same, but I would not be so hurt. I just want to cause others pain sometimes. Most of the time. It makes sense—they’ve destroyed me, so I shall do the same to them. See if they like how it feels. I can’t wait to step on every single person who has ever made me hate myself. I will turn them into dust. It’s going to happen. It’s the only thing in the world I’m sure of. That’s because I’m determined, and I’m ambitious. I know I can do this, and I will. You just wait.

I’m easily pressured. I don’t mean to do anything like drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. Sure, I’ve had drinks before, but I definitely don’t want to become a smelly drunk like my dad. Don’t believe Potter! I don’t smell, okay? I really do shower! Oh, and I smoked a cigarette once and it was nasty. I bet I would try pot, but honestly, then I would be less of an academic if I was off smoking it all the time, so whatever. Not gonna happen. It’s more that I’ve seen the other Slytherins do it and…it seems tempting sometimes to escape to a place where I don’t feel like this. Anyway, what I mean is that I really am a follower. There are many Slytherins I look up to. There are a few individuals in other houses that might have respectable qualities… but I would never tell them that, of course. They may think I’m decent or that I can be friendly, but everyone knows I’m just secretly the devil. The Slytherins I know are all very admirable. They’re from rich pureblood families and they’re really someone to get on the good side of. I plan to bring myself up in the world by having connections. You know, for the Slytherins, I’m kind of a toy… they can tease and insult me, but they respect me too. I just take it. It’s okay because they’re better than me. And we have intelligent conversations, too. Obviously, there are gits even in Slytherin, but they’re at least a little more tolerable. I mean, in all honesty, that’s kind of a lie. There are Slytherins who I detest, but they are still better than me. I won’t allow myself to forget that.

I know that I could ruin everything if anyone ever knew I was halfblood. But I don’t plan on telling anyone. And there’s no way they could meet my parents. I’ve been traveling to the Hogwarts Express on my own ever since I was twelve. I made my mom leave me as soon as possible once we got there. I didn’t want to go with her, but for once, she insisted that she was there. Perhaps to say good bye to magic, by taking one last look at the Hogwarts Express. I don’t need my parents for anything. They’re useless. I’ve even gotten my mom to allow me to go to Hogsmeade by threatening to put magical objects in her room where my father could easily find them. He would flip out, and she’s a weakling, so naturally, she signed right away. I don’t really see the good in either of my parents. I guess, my father sticks to what he believes in? Yeah. And my mother, she… well, she’s incredibly loyal to her husband. She would never betray him. She hasn’t practiced magic since she told him she was a witch when I was two. That was so nice of her. Thanks to her, I can’t even remember a time when my father didn’t wish I was born. She says they were happy when they were dating and they first got married. Neither of them had ever had anyone love them before. She loved the thought of marrying her first love. I just think it’s because she knew no one else would want to be with her, but whatever.

My mom has a few okay moments. When my dad’s passed out in another room or on the occasion he leaves the house to make the world a little stupider, she tells me some stories from her childhood. She was well-off, did you know that? She was in Ravenclaw, which I think if I wasn’t in Slytherin, I would be somewhat okay with being in. She was actually smart, though I don’t think she is now in the slightest. My mom was popular among the misfits, but used it to her advantage, I guess you could say. I like hearing her talk about magic. She just seems a little happier, a little more radiant. But then it’s as if she remembers she can’t love it anymore, and she looks dull again. When I was young, maybe I did love her. Maybe I hated that my father had reduced her to the person she had become. He changed her so much. I didn’t know one person could have such an effect on you back then. I do now because of Lily. That’s what love does to you. It’s an awful thing. Try to avoid it at all costs. If you’re straight and male, go to an all boy’s school or something. I regret the day I opened my eyes. I know everyone else does too.

NATASHA XO

[/justify]

[/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE]