( losing sleep )

[severus snape]

Naps were something he didn't take too often. While Severus might have liked to sleep under different circumstances, acting the typical teenager, that wasn't the case. Instead sleep was something he had never looked forward to. There were always nightmares to deal with or the realization that he just wouldn't be able to close his eyes and drift off no matter what he did. Both of them were two extremes he detested a great deal. If only there was a healthy middle for him, but there wasn't; no, Severus was never allowed a moment of peace. No matter how badly he wanted one, he simply wasn't granted such a wish. As it had been proved to him many times, life was unfair. Nothing he could do about that. Might as well accept it the way it was, but unfortunately he could never get used to that fact.

The seventeen year old was human, so of course he couldn't, but Severus had spent so many moments trying to forget his humanity. Trying to push aside the realization that he was as sensitive as any other person, if not moreso. Severus was attempting to nap now despite his aversion to going to sleep. The only reason he was doing that was so he would be able to keep his eyes open that night. Lily and him were going to study Potions together in the library and he didn't want to look as if he was exhausted. Surely if he did she would send him off and then who knew when the next moment they would hang out would be. Severus hated feeling as if he was losing Lily, but that seemed to be the case. They were in their seventh year and...what would happen after that?

Honestly, Severus understood that the way Lily and him saw the world was very different. He was into the Dark Arts and she...she was good, and nothing but that. Severus sighed into his pillow and tried to close his eyes, willing himself to soon be asleep and not thinking of Lily for a mere moment. For once it was as if someone pitied him enough to give him a break, which meant that a short while later he was dreaming. At first it started out okay—just a dream, nothing more, but then it all began to change. Severus was in the corridors of Hogwarts, walking through the dark hallways of the schools, when he saw Lily. She came toward him and he tried to take her hand in his, but she kept drifting away and he could never catch.

Shortly afterward he woke up, eyes bleary and a frown on his face. Severus groaned. God, what a stupid dream. Not at all an original one, either. Something out of some stupid book that wasn't worth reading at all. He got up from his bed and looked at the time. Well, he should probably start leaving now or else he'd be late. Wouldn't want that to happen. What if Lily left? Worse, what if she had forgot? Severus reprimanded himself for even caring. He had to remember that she was only a girl, just like anyone else. Who was he kidding? She was Lily, the one person in the world he actually cared about. Everyone would be surprised to learn he actually had a heart, but the boy did. Too much of one when it came to her. If only she knew...but he would never tell her.

The Slytherin washed his face before he went out, attempting to rub the exhaustion from his eyes and the sadness too. Lily could read him too well, which he had never liked. Severus hated lying to her for that very reason—it made him sick to know that he could never get away with it when around her. She was the one person who he wanted to protect from his true self. If she knew what he was like, what his life was like...she would run in the other direction. That was the one thing he was sure of if nothing else. Perhaps his dream was about that. Her running, he meant. Certainly seemed lke that. Soon Severus was walking through the corridors. He was headed toward the place Lily had told him to meet her at, which was near the library. Just a random little corridor.

Upon reaching where they were supposed to meet up, Severus saw the most horrid sight. There were Lily and James, and it was clear from the image before him that Lily had lied to him. Funny that she could so easily lie to him when he couldn't do it to her well at all. Lily had told him that she had only kissed James because she'd had a drink, but look at the sight before him; James' lips so close to hers, their bodies nearly pressed together... Severus felt stick to his stomach. He immediately turned around. He had brought two Potions textbooks with him. One for himself and an extra for Lily so she wouldn't have to carry hers with her while she did her head girl duties. How fucking stupid had he been? As he ran in the opposite direction he threw one of his precious Potions books at the wall, not caring what happened to it in that moment. If it got damaged then it would only prove to represent how he felt on the inside.

( L I L Y )

[/blockquote][/color]

[lily evans]

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING AWFUL TOUGH LATELY. SMOKING A LOT OF CIGARETTES LATELY. BUT INSIDE, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BABY, IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A WEAK SPOT, YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON TOP. BETTER TO BE HATED THAN LOVE, LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT - - - -
Lily walked alone to the second floor corridor, where she had said she would meet Severus, to study. Though for some reason, deep in her gut, she was feeling very anxious about meeting him. Their relationship had become very strained ever since late in their fifth year at Hogwarts, after he had called her a ‘Mudblood’. And while they were talking again, their relationship was nothing like it had been back in their hometown, before they came to Hogwarts. Too much had changed, and Lily was not sure that the bridges that had been burned, could ever be fixed. But she was still willing to try, because it was Severus! The boy she had known since she was a little girl. The boy who had spent his years before Hogwarts telling Lily all about Hogwarts, and preparing her for life here. The boy who she thought she would be friends forever with. Oh how things changed.

Rounding the corner where she said she would meet Severus, she felt a warm hand grab her, spin and push her up against the wall. Sev, she almost said in confusion of his actions, before a voice cut her off. “So Evans, how about another kiss? Or maybe, you would like to go on that date I have been offering for years” the voice asked, as she looked up, and straight into the face of James Potter, with a smirk perfectly clear on his face, in the dimly lit corridor. Instantly she shoved against his chest, but he did not move an inch, and instead moved in closer, trapping her with his body against the wall.

“James, please let me go” she asked kindly, dropping her hands down by her sides, and giving him look of the utmost annoyance. But he simply ignore her request, and lowered his face so it was inches from hers and smiled that crocked arrogant smile at her. “Urgh, please” she sighed, knowing that nothing was going to get her out of this, unless she resorted to physical violence, or kissed him. Neither of which were an option she liked. She remained completely still, her body as far as she could keep it away from James’s as possible, and waited for him to move, completely forgetting that Severus would be her any moment. For if she had, she would have acted, and got away. Because the last thing she wanted Severus to see, was her like this with James. He loathed James, and him even more for liking her, the way he did, and to see her in this position, it would just lead to places Lily wanted to avoid. But in the moment, Lily had completely forgotten about Severus, and it was only when she heard foot running away from them, that she remembered.

“SEV!” Lily called out, pushing James as hard as she could, and taking off after him, as James called after her. But she ignored him, her mind only on Severus, and what he must be thinking. She had reassured him earlier that she still thought of James as an arrogant toad, and that the chances of her ever falling for his charms, were next to nothing. Though, now, Lily was sure that he did not believe that any more, and was convinced like that the rest of the school, that her and James were now and item. Which was not true, sure there had been progress on their relationship, after he had saved Severus a year or so ago, but it was still not enough to make her fall in love with him. Though Lily was not ruling it out any more, she wasn’t going to jump into anything, she was going to take her time, and make sure that she was making the right choice.

“Sev, please….stop” Lily called after him, picking up the potion’s book that he just thrown at the wall. “Please, it was not what you think” she said, grabbing his arm, and making him stop. “James was just trying it on again…you know him…he is never going to give up!” Lily said breathlessly, as she kept a hold of his hand and looked him dead in the eyes, with her emerald green eyes.

[severus snape]

Everything was going to hell. All that he had assumed about Lily and James had been correct. Well, it had only been a matter of time. Figured that James could charm her in the way he had so many other girls. Sure, it had taken much longer, but that had only made him pay more attention; now he saw Lily in a light that was different than any of the others. Now he realized how special she was. Severus had this mental image of how he must have looked in that moment, so sad and pathetic. Completely worthless to anyone, though he supposed that was how he truly was. He wasn’t obsessed with getting laid or even having a girlfriend. He had never been, honestly. Lily had changed the way he saw the world.

Even with her he wasn’t concerned with getting laid or simply having a girlfriend for the sake of saying he had, but he still couldn’t get her out of his head. Severus really did believe that he was in love with her and wouldn’t have strayed from that truth no matter who tried to convince him of otherwise. The reason was that he had spent so long knowing that he would never be in love or be loved, but that reality had shifted. Lily had brought out this part of himself he hadn’t known existed. It was incredibly cliché, but also the truth.

So cliché that he loathed that it was, but that didn’t change a thing. Severus would have chosen hating Lily over loving her. Of course even thinking that made his heart break because she could never deserve anyone’s hatred, but it would have been better for them all. Then Severus could have moved on with his life, remaining bitter and unhappy, and not so affected by the redhead and her glittering eyes. They still stuck with him now as he was running away, feeling as if everything was crumbling.

He hated every moment she passed through his mind because everything he came up with was so unoriginal and just words that made him want to vomit. Severus wasn’t made to deal with love. He had never known it and didn’t know if he could start now. Well, he certainly wasn’t experiencing it, but it was something he felt toward Lily. Severus doubted that anyone would ever love him—after all, look at him. He was vile and ugly. The latter he normally didn’t care about, since physical appearances and shallowness were juvenile obsessions, but it did strike a chord because of how badly he wanted Lily to notice him. Severus did know that he wasn’t doing anything to help that happen because of how he often presented himself, but every time he meant to put a little more effort in, he faltered.

Partly because Severus didn’t want to be vain. Partly because he didn’t want her to affect him at all. But also because Severus just…he didn’t know how to. He didn’t understand how boys his age, or any age knew what to wear, or how they were supposed to look. Or even what to say around girls they liked—though he supposed guys like that could get any girl, so it was more that women flocked toward them no matter what came out of their mouth.

Severus felt as if he was running as fast as he could away from Lily and James and their secret lovefest, but not fast enough because suddenly she was grabbing his arm and then holding his hand. He wanted to shake her grip from his, but how pathetic—even in this state of self loathing and hatred toward the world, he was desperate. Severus still noticed the sparks that were coursing through him at the touch of her hand on his. “W-what are you doing?” he asked, not sure why he was letting those words loose when it wouldn’t make sense to her. Lily would never hear him say what even her presence did to his state of mind. He wouldn’t let her know or else he would lose the smallest thread of sanity he had left.

Unfortunately Severus couldn’t let his gaze drop from hers. Her eyes had always been mesmerizing and were even now in this moment of realization that shook him more than he would have liked. Time and time again he saw that it would have been better to be numb. “Please, please leave me alone.” Every word that came from his lips sounded weak. Severus wished he could have just broken free from her grip and left already, but something made him stay. Probably some ridiculous hope that she would prove him wrong and that Lily wouldn’t end up with James. But of course she would; she was meant to leave him behind and forget about the greasy little dark haired boy who had always hid behind his hair.

[/blockquote][/color]

[lily evans]

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING AWFUL TOUGH LATELY. SMOKING A LOT OF CIGARETTES LATELY. BUT INSIDE, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BABY, IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A WEAK SPOT, YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON TOP. BETTER TO BE HATED THAN LOVE, LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT - - - -
In that moment, Lily paused. She tried to steady her breath, and calm her heart, that was currently thumping against her chest. Though it was no good, she was too anxious. So the steady and fast beet continued, drumming against her chest, as she held her gaze with Severus, and silence fell.

They had been in a situation like this once before, after he had called her a mud-blood. At that point Lily had thought that was it for their friendship. He had obviously chosen his way, and she had chosen hers. But when they had got back home, they had rekindled something of what they had. But it was never the same, in-fact if anything, it had got worse, more strained, as James became a more prominent part of her life. Which was something that Severus hated, had always hated, as James was the one person he hated above everyone else, the person who made his life a living nightmare, and made him feel even more worthless than he already did. And while Lily understood this, it was something she was beginning to see less and less in James. He seemed to be growing as a person, and the person he was becoming was somebody that Lily wanted to get to know. That did not mean that she wanted to date him, no she was sure she did not want that, but be his friend, certainly. However, the cost was, Severus.

At first it had been a hard choice to make, as on the one hand there was Severus. He was the boy who she had been friends with since she was a little girl, who she cared deeply about and always wanted to be a part of her life. However he was also becoming somebody she did not like, somebody who condoned dark magic, bullied people for sport with his friends and showed interest in becoming a death eater. Then on the other, there was James. He had been a constant pain in her back since she had arrived at Hogwarts, bullied one of her closets friends and in recent years, had been pestering her non-stop for a date. Yet, over the summer between their fifth and sixth year, he had changed, grown up almost and shown some qualities that Lily had almost loved about him. But as the months went on, the choice seemed to be made for her. James continued to grow as a person, where as Severus…well he slowly became somebody she did not even recognise any more, and slowly and sadly, she wanted less and less to do with him. Yet did not have the strength to cut him completely free, believing that there was still she used to play Hogwarts with under the trees down by the lake, in their hometown.

However now, here they stood, and Lily knew it did not look good. After the golden snitch’s post, and Severus seeing her with James, Lily knew this friendship stood at a crossroads. One road led to separation, and the other led to understanding and forgiveness. However Lily knew, it was to late for the latter. For to many bridges had been burned, and there was no chance of either of them changing their minds. Severus seemed set on becoming a death eater, with his little gang and Lily, well Lily had heard whisperings of an uprising against them, and was sure that her involvement in the group was inevitable. Leaving the two of them on opposite sides, and while she hated it, Lily knew there was nothing she could do change it. Severus had made up his mind, and so had she.

“Is that what you want?” Lily replied calmly, looking at him defiantly, knowing it was not she wanted, and hoping that Severus did not want it either.

Ooc . Oh god, I am sorry that was so short, I was not sure what else to put, and I did not want to ramble on. Eek.

[severus snape]

The pain that was tremoring through him should have been a feeling he was used to. Severus knew what it was like to be physically hurt thanks to bullies and his father who was another kind of bully. He had cried for hours, lulling himself to sleep with his tears, so he had come face to face with emotional pain too. This, though—it felt realer than all of those moments. During those times there had been a numb kind of breaking, as if Severus was splitting into a million shards that couldn't catch the light of the day anymore. These shards were dull, no longer sharpened by anything. Now Severus could feel every ounce of the pain in his heart, his chest, his neck... Time and time again he told himself that if this was what love was like, he didn't want it.

As if he could have removed Lily from his life so easily. Severus had tried to before, a mere second away from saying words that would make sure they were no longer connected. She would only be a distant memory of the past, so fuzzy and long gone that he'd be able to convince himself she didn't matter. The problem was that Severus couldn't do that. He was weak and would never stop telling himself that. It was nothing but the truth. While it had been beaten into his head, he hadn't needed it to be. Instead he'd understood it from the start.

Severus couldn't recall a single moment when the world hadn't hurt him. It would continue to do so. Little moments clashed together with ones that meant much more—like this one, all creating a being that really had had enough. Being fed up hadn't made him give up on Lily, though. Rather, it had made his love for her even more twisted and messed up; now he couldn't let her go no matter what. And in turn, Severus had become this easily enraged person, one who was quick to lash out, to never forget a negative word thrown at him. He was plotting revenge during his every waking moment. Obsessed with the notion of those who had been cruel to him getting what they deserved, he couldn't think of much else. Perhaps only Lily, but it wasn't as if his thoughts were ever sane when it came to the girl because he knew he could never have her.

The Dark Arts had called to him when nothing else had. Severus had loved holding his wand in his hand the first time he had, feeling the magic within himself that could flow through that wooden conductor like strong, powerful wind. For once he was in control and nothing could stop him. Much to his dismay, there were many rules in the Wizarding World. Too many, in fact. Most of them were established in order to protect the stupid muggles, the people who Severus resented the most. He hadn't gone to muggle school, which had enraged his father. He'd wanted him to go, but Severus had always found some way not to, even when he was supposed to. Instead he taught himself everything he needed to know and none of the rubbish subjects they had in muggle school. The boy would spend long hours exploring Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley, amazed by what he would find and often poking his nose where he wasn't wanted.

But finally, he had found something that separated him from his father. Tobias Snape was nothing compared to him, the all powerful wizard. Even from a young age Severus had understood that he was good at learning and would become a very skilled wizard one day. It hadn't been hard for him to love the Dark Arts because well...they had been there for him. He felt the desire to change the world through their practice jumping in his hands. If he held off for too much longer he'd go crazy. Severus longed for the world to finally be how it was meant to be. Then Lily's words reached his ears and he lost it all. Lost all the reasons the Dark Arts had ever appealed to him, at least momentarily.

Her voice was so...it just reminded him of the good inside of him. He didn't really know if it was actually there, but her offer of companionship had always made him question his ways and what he sought. Severus couldn't begin to grasp how someone could be so good and in all the right ways. "Goody two-shoes" were not his favorite type of individual, nor was anyone who acted as if they knew it all. However, Lily used her intelligence in a way that didn't make him jealous. Instead he found himself wondering how he could hate muggles so much in her presence, not when she was one herself. "No," he finally replied to her. It could have been too late by then, but it was worth a try.

The young man couldn't take the path different than hers quite yet, but the fact remaind that he was almost there. As a small boy he'd convinced himself one day she'd be his, but that had been silly. So young, he'd seen more hope in his future than he could picture now. She'd been his savior in many ways. Now, though, regardless of whether he left her or not, Severus could see that Lily would reject him at some point. Perhaps not meaning to hurt him, but their roads were not meant to cross for the rest of their lives. He couldn't continue to love her while in her presence. It would have to be from afar or else he'd suffer far too much. And she, she would choose someone else in every scenario that had played through his head, so he knew it was the truth.

If it was James she went with, though...that would be more than a defeat. Severus would know then that Potter really had won, just like he always thought he would. He meant that in both ways because Severus had always been a loser, always would be. "So...head duties, huh? Glad I'm not head girl if that means Potter keeps trying to jump your bones." Severus' tone wasn't nasty; he meant his comment as a joke. It was a defense mechanism that only came out to play when he was around Lily, simply because it was a vulnerable one in his opinion. He didn't have much control over what he said around her. Normally Severus' humor was much more snarky or dry, but being that rude toward her wasn't something he could handle. He was too afraid she'd leave after one wrong word. That one comment of his he'd never live down, though...that day was proof he could be pushed too far. Not by her, but by anyone. He'd regret it for the rest of his life.

He was trying to make the best of the situation. Severus didn't believe that it was nothing, though. Considering how she'd felt about Potter once, her opinion had changed drastically. If she didn't have feelings for him already then she would soon.

[/blockquote][/color]

[lily evans]

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING AWFUL TOUGH LATELY. SMOKING A LOT OF CIGARETTES LATELY. BUT INSIDE, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BABY, IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A WEAK SPOT, YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON TOP. BETTER TO BE HATED THAN LOVE, LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT - - - -
Instantly Lily felt cruel!

The feeling crashed against her like a ton of bricks and made her stomach churn in the most uncomfortable way, making her feel sick, as she realised what she was asking him to do. She was asking him to stand idoly by, while she developed a relationship with the man that had been son creul to him since the day they had arrived at Hogwarts. The realisation, made her feel weak, teary and utterly cruel. How could she have done this? Through all of it, she had only really considered herself in the matter, and never anybody else. It had always been Lily this and Lily that in her mind, and never had she realised what her own selfish grip on Severus had been doing to him, till now.

Lily took a deep breath in, as she realised that this could not go on! For deep down she knew that her feelings for James were changing, and changing fast. She no longer felt repulsed by him, and they idea of becoming his girlfriend was no longer the a scary thought. In-fact only yesterday had she told him that she wanted to give them a chance, that she wanted him to back off so she had room to develop her own feelings for him. Because James was, though it pained her to admit it, one of the good guys. He would never cheat on her, or treat her bad. He knew how to make her laugh and smile, and would always look after her. And while the arrogant toad that made her blood boil was still there, she was seeing less of him everyday and seeing more and more of the James Potter, that she liked.

Breathing a slow ragged breath out, Lily knew that if she wanted her relationship with James to continue, she could not keep one up with Severus, at the same time. It was not fair on him, or her to keep it up. Though ending it would be painful, Lily knew that it was for the best, and that she should have ended it years ago, but she was not brave enough. However now, maybe she was.

Before she had hoped that things would change, that everything would resolve itself on it’s own and everything could go back to the way it was. But it was not that simple. Years past, and nothing had changed. Severus still wanted to become a death eater, and it was never something Lily could condone. Sure she had tried here and there, to show him how cruel this rebellion was, but nothing made him see sense, and slowly Lily had begun to loose faith. Yet never did she have the courage to completely loose faith in her childhood friend, selfishly keeping him hanging on, hoping that he would change his mind, knowing that he wouldn’t, but still keeping the hope. It was cruel, and Lily knew it had to end.

Tears now swimming in her eyes, an anxiety swept through her as he replied, no. She had hoped he would say yes, made it easier on them both, but something keep him back. Lily had no idea what though, she had been sure that Severus must hate her now. With her relationship with James, and her blood status, she was sure that there had to be some resentment in him, towards her. But his no, that simple reply, signalled that there was something else, something Lily was missing, that made Severus so determined to have a strained relationship with her.

Was it the same for him, as it was for her? That they both simply could not let go of each other, because they had shared a childhood friendship together? Or was it something more? Lily had no way of knowing, all she knew is she could not stand by, and let this go on any longer, because all the were doing was hurting each other.

Laughing softly at his reply, Lily let go of Severus’s hand. “He is not that bad, he is actually normally quite nice” she replied, with a soft shrug, and slunk back into the wall, looking for support. “Sev” Lily whispered, taking her eyes off him for the first time, and looking at the floor. “What are we doing? How are we even still friends?”

[severus snape]

No one ever wanted to say good bye. It wasn't a learned reaction to whatever had happened in any sense because no matter how many times you attempted to get used to it, you just couldn't. Even as hard as it was to admit, Severus still couldn't completely let go of both of his parents. That was one of the reasons he saw himself as being so pathetic. His father had physically and emotionally hurt him time and time again, never stopping to consider what being a father actually meant. And his mother had been so weakened by how her husband had treated her that she couldn't function properly anymore, let alone raise a child. Although Severus was seventeen now, he still needed his parents, someone to look up to. He'd never get that, though. Something else that he wasn't allowed.

There were those in Slytherin he could regard as friends, but they were never true role models. In truth those in Slytherin were generally harsh, immature individuals who chose their own anger instead of mulling over what they were about to do before they did it. Many of them had been hurt like Severus, though, which was one of the reasons he had so desperately wanted to be in the Slytherin house. They had controlling parents too, except their parents in Severus' eyes were not inhibited by their power; it made them stronger. The Dark Arts let them be something more than they would have been otherwise. Everyone in reality was searching for something more and so far the Dark Arts had proved to be that for him. Who cared if it wasn't a conventional thing to love? It made him feel, become a being who for once had a say because the wand in front of him he knew how to use.

Of course Severus was blind to the way other families could be. He knew he didn't have the worst family life in the world. Some people had to have it worse, after all; there was always somebody out there who had more to be angry and sad about. But Severus idolized the Slytherins and the position they had been born into—so much so that he couldn't fathom why anyone would ever reject that last name. Severus loathed Sirius Black and that was one of his incentives for doing so. He still hated James the most for obvious reasons, but Sirius...he couldn't understand how the stupid imbecile had given all of that up. He could have wielded great power in his hands, but instead chose to saunter around pulling pranks and having meaningless relationships with girls. Severus would have done anything to be a Black and therefore had no tolerance for anything that came out of Sirius' mouth. Rather funny that his animagus was a dog, quite honestly.

In a way letting go of Lily was harder to come to terms with than writing off his parents. Perhaps not to some effect, since they were unfortunately his own flesh and blood, and he had known them for longer. However, she was killing him more than they ever could. Severus' parents had always fucked up, whereas Lily had been so perfect in the beginning. She had been the one person who offered him the peace he wanted from life. Even now he wanted that peace though he tried not to search for it anymore, instead succumbing to anger and all that was messed up inside of him. Lily had this elegance that no other girl in the world possessed, but other boys had noticed this. Potter had, clearly. At first Severus had convinced himself that it was just puppy love, but now even he could step back from his own adoration toward Lily and see that it wasn't.

The two would end up living in a simple, but beautiful home. They would have many children, some with striking red hair and others with the mischievous grin that Potter had. Severus felt as if he was inflicting wounds onto himself as he imagined all of this, but he couldn't get out of his head; the pictures kept pounding into his brain, trying to remind him that he acted as if he had control over the world but he didn't. All that he had ever loved would be against him in this world. And so, for this very reason, Severus was even more likely to become a death eater. If he couldn't have Lily then he might as well make sure everyone knew how he felt on the inside, even if he would be hidden behind a mask and only his beaten stride a reflection of who he was. One day she wouldn't recognize him for his face would be so changed by all its years of exhaustion and he would pretend as if he didn't find her eyes to be striking even then.

Soon she took her hand from his, which Severus should have expected. It would have come no matter what the words that fell from her lips were, but in this situation it provoked a sinking feeling inside of him, as if he could already hear what she was going to say. The first round of sentences proved his earlier daydream or...nightmare to be true, he supposed. James and Lily had alreay kissed—of course she would feel something. Severus knew that if he ever kissed someone, though it would never happen, he would apologize straight afterward for how terrible it would be. James had so much knowledge in that area, knowledge that he could never match because no one had ever really wanted him. Why would they, though? Worse, yet, Severus could tell that James was a good guy.

Sure, he had made him feel like shit so many times in the past and still did most of the time, but he cared about Lily. He would treat her well. Plus, Severus couldn't forget that time he had saved him, as much as he wanted to. Who knew what could have happened to him... Sirius hadn't given a fuck about what might have, but James had swooped in and saved the day. Perhaps it would have been better if he hadn't. "Yeah," he said quietly. "He seems to really care about you." That sentence kept repeating in his mind, but he was defeated in the sense that he didn't even want to take it back. It was the truth, anyway. Might as well say it now because everyone could distinguish the difference between him and James; he was the dirt in the ground and James was well...far better than that.

The next part of what Lily said, though, he hadn't been quite expecting. Severus froze, eyes staring at the wall she was leaning up against, but not at her. He couldn't blink, he couldn't even breathe. Finally he did, a tear letting loose down his pale cheeks, which he furiously wiped away with his right hand. Had she seen that? What would she think of him now? Would she understand why he still wanted to be friends so badly? "You're the only real friend I have, Lily. But I can leave...I understand that things have changed." Severus was grateful for no more tears falling. More were ready to come pouring down, though, but that would be for later when he was far away from her. Down in his Slytherin dorm, where she could never be and she would be in hers, perhaps in Potter's arms. That boy had more courage than he could ever hope to hold inside of himself.

[/blockquote][/color]

[lily evans]

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING AWFUL TOUGH LATELY. SMOKING A LOT OF CIGARETTES LATELY. BUT INSIDE, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BABY, IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A WEAK SPOT, YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON TOP. BETTER TO BE HATED THAN LOVE, LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT - - - -
Was this it? Were they fated to just repeat this moment for the rest of their lives? Until one of them just ended it, or even died. Lily sure hoped not, because she was not sure her emotional state could handle it this time, let alone another. She just wanted it to end! She wanted them both to be happy and for them to not have to keep going round in this vicious circle. Yet it seemed like neither of them could break it, and neither of them could change. Lily knew if she could she would; she would do anything to keep her friendship with Severus alive! Everything, but the one thing she needed to. For never in a million years could Lily condone the beliefs of this Lord Voldemort! They were cruel and unjust, and just everything that was wrong with the magical world. She despised everyone who believed in them, everyone except the boy who was standing in front of her, with his hooked nose and long black hair, that had no changed since he was a little boy.

Lily’s heart plummeted then, as she remembered him as he was before Hogwarts. He had been everything to her, and she had lived for the times, she would spend with him by the river, talking about Hogwarts. They had once seen it as this magical place, where dreams were made. How wrong they had been. Sure at first, it had been magical, Lily had never seen anything like it. Yet as the years passed, and they changed, they slowly got torn apart by circumstance, until they stood where they were now. Their friendship, once so strong and so perfect, was now barely hanging on, as Lily searched her mind madly looking for a reason to keep fighting for it. But she knew there was not one, not without one of them changing, there was no real reason why they would possibly remain friends.

It reminded her of, of her relationship with Petunia. For sisters, they had been so close, their whole lives. Played dolls together in Tunies room, read books in Lily’s and went to the park together whenever their parents would let them. Though that had all changed, once magic had come into Lily’s life. Tunie had become resentful of Lily, hating the fact that she could do these things she couldn’t and her parents praised her for that. Something Lily could not help, yet Tunie would never listen to sense and slowly their realtionship began to fall into disrepair. As Tunie kept pushing Lily away, calling her a freak, a weirdo and sometimes even a monster, as her jealousy turned into bitterness, which slowly turned into hate. Leaving their once loving relationship, to fall into complete disrepair.

“Yeah, he does” Lily said offhandedly, with a dry laugh. As she found it funny, that out of everyone in her life, James Potter was the one who cared for her the most. He had always been a sore point in Lily’s life and the last person Lily would have thought, or wanted to really care about her. Yet the facts were all there, James Potter did love her, but what she felt for him, she was still not sure. However recently, she had been thinking about it more and more. At first it had been simple urges, like holding his hand, hugging him, and sometimes even kissing him. But lately, she had began to think about her life with him more, picturing them married, with kids. As they sat back on long summer nights watching their children play quidditch with their friends kids, as they sipped mede and laughed about the good old days. It seemed so perfect, and Lily wanted it, but she knew there was no room in that life for Severus and that, was the only real thing that kept her back. That and her stubborn nature, that refuse to admit she was wrong.

“Don’t” Lily said, bitterly through her tears. “You don’t get to say things like that Sev, you don’t get to make me feel guilty…you have no right” she said her tone still bitter, as the first tear overflowed from the corner of her eye, and rolled down her cheek. She could not help it, she just was suddenly overcome with resentment and annoyance at what he had just said. To her it sounded like he was blaming her, like she was just leaving him without a care in the world. couldn’t he see how much this was hurting her? How much she had tried to stay friends with him regardless? Obviously not, otherwise he might have tried himself, but he had not.

“I don’t want you to leave, but the facts are Severus that you refuse to see sense. How can we carry on, when it is clear that you are about to pledge your life, to kill people like me? Tell me Sev…what is the point of her friendship, when in a year you will be hunting me with your friends for sport? Tell me Sev, I would love to know” Lily said in annoyance, her emerald eyes fixing back on him, as she gave him a questioning glare.

[

[severus snape]

Often he felt as if he was as old as he would ever be. In some sense that he might not live until he was much older, whether that meant he would choose not to go on or if someone else would take his life. He did not know which it would be; if it would be either of those, anyway. On the other hand, Severus simply felt exhausted by life and what it had dealt him. It was as if he was a ninety year old man on his death bed, thinking back on all that had happened and wincing as he regretted every single moment of it. As if nothing had been good, as if he wanted to take back all of it...but more than that, there was a strong desire for it to end. Among teenagers Severus knew there was a high suicide rate, as unfortunate as it was. It wasn't a subject he liked to talk about for the fear that people would suspect him of being capable of committing the act, but it was indeed on his mind.

Perhaps that meant that yes, he could do it. However, Severus to some degree was more defeated than anything. It was as if life now held the reigns, though he wasn't sure if he ever had. He couldn't control anything that stood in his way or even the objects that were slightly out of his reach—Lily for instance. The girl—no, woman, now—had always had a mind of her own. Even when they had been young, she had always seemed to know exactly what she wanted. Severus would follow her around, awe in his eyes, happy to do whatever it was that she wanted to do that day. He would play all the games she liked to and talk about all the topics that she thought were best. Still, she was always considerate and let him have a turn, too. He would never be able to forget how kind she had been to some random dirty, long haired boy who had hardly ever spoken before he had been in her presence.

The one time Severus had been the most knowledgeable out of the two was when it came to magic. To him, Lily was undeniably magical. There was no way she was some stupid muggle who could make bad decisions like his father had. And that was what it all came down to: the reason he loathed muggles so much was that they reminded him of his dad. Severus supposed it was silly and immature, but he couldn't get the image of him out of his head when he thought of any other muggle. Even if the muggle in question was a woman or not at all like his father—he still saw someone worthless who shouldn't be around. Someone who'd just fuck up the world and that...that was why they didn't deserve to be magical. It was very confusing that Severus saw so much good in Lily; she could never be wrong. Often he forgot that she was muggleborn, but it was the truth, wasn't it? And his life choices would make him have to give her up.

Why not become a death eater if he was going to have to do that anyway, though? Severus believed that he would lose her no matter what because she would move on to bigger and better things. Lily wouldn't mean to hurt him, but she would. If he could have been sure that she wouldn't eventually completely reject him, then he wouldn't have chosen the Dark Arts. He swore, really. But Severus...Severus could see the future and it wasn't pretty. At least not for him and it never would be. Of course even as a death eater he would never harm her or Potter since they'd obviously end up together, but other muggles wouldn't be so lucky. Severus knew he was twisted and not right in the head, but part of him really didn't care. His mind was all he had and even if it failed him when it came to true logic, he couldn't quite abandon it. He was stuck up there.

Suddenly Lily was angry and Severus realized this was only just the beginning. He'd never make her happy from now on...but that was what James was for, not him. He was just one huge disappointment. He hadn't meant to try and make her feel guilty. The words had just...come out. Why was it that around her he was never careful enough? First there was calling her mudblood, for which he would never be forgiven and now...now there was this. "Lily, I didn't mean it like that." His voice had a pleading tone in it as if he was trying to get her to understand, but he didn't look her in the eyes. Severus' eyes would betray his pain and he didn't want her to ever see that she could do such a thing to him.

For a second he couldn't help but look at her after her next string of words left her mouth. All it took was one second for Severus to grasp that she was more than angry, she was furious. He really didn't know what to say. She thought that the reason their friendship had to end was because of him, but she didn't know that at some point she wouldn't want to have anything to do with him either way. Perhaps he really should just go. Severus couldn't tell her that she wouldn't want him around no matter what. He didn't want to say that because it would just be too hard to admit he needed her... "You're right. You really should stop talking to me." Still, Severus couldn't quite walk away as he should have. It wasn't as if he was frozen either. He was fully aware that his limbs could have moved if he had made them, but he supposed he was waiting for what she would say and whether any of it would convince him that regardless of the circumstances she wouldn't leave him.

[/blockquote][/color]

[lily evans]

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING AWFUL TOUGH LATELY. SMOKING A LOT OF CIGARETTES LATELY. BUT INSIDE, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BABY, IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A WEAK SPOT, YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON TOP. BETTER TO BE HATED THAN LOVE, LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT - - - -
Lily held her questioning glare, while her heart was breaking inside. She did not want to be mad at Severus, she never did, but he often gave her very little choice. Being part of the muggle hating crowd, and his distaste for most of her friends. Lily often found herself wondering why she bothered working so hard on this relationship, he never seemed that interested. Constantly going on, doing things that he knew would upset her, as if he was challenging her to be friends with him. And while their friendship used to be unconditional, and Lily would do anything to spend time with him. Recently she had become less and less inclined to try, because every time they did, it ended up like. With either Lily getting annoyed with Severus’s activity with dark magic, or Severus getting upset over her friendship with Sirius Black and James Potter. And Lily was getting tired, tired of constantly being stuck in this constant loop, unable to escape from it.

“THEN HOW DID YOU MEAN IT SEV” Lily snapped, her whole body convulsing with anger at him. She could not believe how he was making her feel! She had never felt this torn by her emotions in her life before, and she did not even want to be torn. The choice should have been simple, she should just cut Severus out of her life, forget about him, and move on. Yet she could, she cared to much for him, and walking away from him, just felt wrong to the redhead. But it shouldn’t, he had done so much to hurt in the past couple of years, and Lily had taken it. She had been a doormat, and just held on to the hope that he would change. Even though the chances were slim, Lily just could not cut away the emotions that made her care for Severus and therefore was left to hang onto hope. But now, Lily was at the end of her tether, and she just wanted to give in.

“Urgh” Lily moaned, still highly annoyed. “Fine…if that is what you want Severus, because I am sick of trying to please you, when you aren’t even willing to meet my half way. So this is it then. You can go and corrupt your life with dark magic and I guess…well I guess…I shall go and marry James Potter” Lily said in a strong tone, which wavered on the last few words. She did not really have any intention of marrying James, and it still made her feel a little queasy to think about it. But Lily knew it was the one thing she could say, to hurt Severus and in that moment, all she wanted to do was hurt Severus! No matter how much she knew she would regret it in later days, Lily annoyance overwhelmed her and she could not stop herself. And once her words had settled, she turned on her heal and stormed off down the hall, throwing the potions book down on the floor as she went.

[[/quote]